5-Feet On A Good Day

Lifestyle of the Vertically Challenged

Sh*t My Grandma Says

on February 15, 2012

Love my grandma to death, but that woman can TALK.

On and on and on and on.

Usually her conversations go something like “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…”

Or maybe it’s more like the teachers from the Charlie Brown TV shows

After all, my grandma was a teacher for several years.

But I blame her tendency to not stop talking on loneliness. My grandma lives alone, so I suppose she likes to overload all the built up thoughts and lay them out on her next ̶v̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶  guest.

My grandma also happens to live in an apartment in Manhattan, where I tend to spend a lot of my time when I have jobs in the city or I need a place to crash after going out for the night there. I couldn’t be more grateful for my grandma allowing me to stay there when I need to because it saves me a lot of commuting time and saves me from possibly dangerous situations on the subway late at night after I’ve had a few cocktails.

So I don’t mind her constant chattering. I’ve spent so much time with her, that I’ve learned to turn it into background noise. I’ll throw the occasional “Yeah,” “Uh-huh,” “Wow,” and “Okay” in every now and then and that seems to work.

But sometimes I do pay attention to what she says.

My grandma’s got jokes and wisdom when it comes to my height.

A few weeks ago, my grandma took me to see a movie. While waiting in the line to buy a ticket, she looked at the prices and said “I wonder If I can get you a child’s ticket” and she starts laughing. From what I know, most child tickets are for kids that are 12 and under. I’m 23. Now I may be the height of some 12-year-olds nowadays, but there is no chance in hell that I could pass for a 12 year old, unless the ticket taker wasn’t paying attention to what sort of ticket it was. I suppose my grandma realized this too and went with the regular adult ticket.

When we got inside the theater, we sat down and my grandma said “Can you see?”  Sometimes this is an issue when there is a really tall person in front of me…but this theater was practically empty. Seeing was not going to be an issue.  I couldn’t tell if my grandma was being funny again or if she’s starting to lose it at 79 years old.

Later that night, my grandma was teaching me how to use the laundry machines in the laundry room of her building. The dryers are pretty big, so my grandma made me go up to the dryer to make sure that I could reach the slot to put in the laundry card so that I could do it myself. The slot for the card is probably only 6 inches higher than my head and my arm can reach pretty far beyond that. Needless to say, using the dryer on my own was not an issue.

One of my personal favorites is when my grandma gives me advice on drinking. My grandma must think I’m a raging alcoholic because when I got out in the city, I tend to stay out until 1:30 the earliest(which to me, seems early) and I sometimes sleep in the next day and I don’t always feel so great. For Christmas, she even gave me special hangover pills in my stocking.  With her wisdom, my grandma has told me “You shouldn’t drink so much because you’re little.” Wise words grandma. I’ll keep that in mind until the next weekend when I forget how short I am and how much alcohol is going to kick my ass the next day.

So yeah. My grandma has her little charming ways of pointing out how short I am and she may talk way too much, but she holds a big piece of my heart.

As Lil Wayne says “I never had height but [grandma] I got heart”

Well, it went something like that.



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